Parenting without doubt is a hard job where you learn as you go. There is no specific manual that guides you step by step on how to be a parent. The writer sounded like he did not have any children because on his examples on how to approach children he didn’t use his own experiences (ethos) so I do not believe what he is saying is necessarily true. With him being a writer and educator does not make him an expert on how to treat children. His ethos on the first paragraphs didn’t seem fair to me at all, on the contrary, he seemed to be criticizing anyone who ever uses the phrase “good job” with children.
With me being a mother of three children, soon four, this article of course caught my attention.
Those of us that have children know that you have to adjust to each child’s needs because each one has their own personality and are motivated in different ways. The generalization that the writer uses on his article offended me that I don’t use this phrase too often, I can just imagine how offending it was too those that do use the phrase more often. Actually, I do tend to use the phrase “good job” very often during the early stages of my children and move on to different ones as their vocabulary and understanding expands. For example, I am not going to tell my one year old daughter the same thing I tell my eight year old, “I am happy you ate all your food so that you can grow big and healthy;” she is not going to understand everything I said. In this case I would definitely say “good job” right after she’s done eating so that she gets the concept that the praise was for her eating. As the children grow I think they need a little more than just a “good job” not just because they are older and understand but also because if not it will seem to them they like you are just saying it because you don’t have the time to acknowledge what they are doing and “good job” just seems like the quickest and easiest way to get them off your back.
So, is “good job” a bad thing? I don’t think so as long as you really mean it and change the praising phrase as your children grow older and they don’t get tired of hearing the same thing over and over. Children aren’t really looking for a “reward” (like the writer said), they are looking for our attention.
Jacquelin,
ReplyDeleteI read with interest your review of the essay written about the use of praise in child rearing. You point out quite well and I think you might be on to something; Kohn is probably not a parent. While well-meaning I am sure, I took some of his comments in the same fahsion as you did.
Like you, I have used the phrase with my children, the kids I have coached over the past 12 years, as well as the young officers who work for me now.
If this form of praise is given in a sincere manner with true feeling, the receiver, regardless of age will understand that you have recognized their efforts, and it will have meaning to them.
By the way, good job on the review, and congrats on the soon to be 4th edition to your family,
Scott
I think this is a very tricky subject that the author tries to discuss in his article. While there are probably a lot of examples of the dangers of over praising children I don’t think that saying “good job” is one of them. You also make a good point that I did not think of and that is the verbiage depends on the age of the children. You cannot always fully explain to some children why the action they just did is a positive, sometimes all they understand is good job. I really enjoyed your opinion on this article.
ReplyDeleteJacquelin,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your opinion on the article by Kohn. I myself don't have any kids but I think you have some very good points. This subject could go either way. I agree with you that each child has their own personality and that they should be treated according to their age and needs. I don't agree with Kohn that adults and parents shouldn't tell children "good job" because everyone needs to be told "good job" every once in awhile if it is sincere and they deserve it. Again great review of the article.